Darkness is something that I welcome, it doesn’t bother me to sit in it or be in it. It’s almost like a blanket, in the day you have to deal with so many things. You get people who you don’t want to socialise with, everyday little things such as a bus running late or a phone freezing that gets on your nerves and wears you down so by the end of the day, with them and fifteen thousand other things included, leaves you drained.
Darkness often doesn’t welcome that. It brings a sense of serenity and peacefulness that is lost in the mad rush of day to day routine and life. It can make it seem as if, just for a moment, that the world has stopped spinning or that time has stopped altogether. For me, that’s kinda peaceful. Sure, I may sometimes get lost in thoughts or I can be up doing stuff like reading or on my laptop but whatever it is, time slows and doesn’t matter for just a few hours.
Although it can create peace and calmness, an illusion that you have time to spare, it can also create deep contemplation and often leads to pain. I’m not saying that this happens every night but, a lot of nights this has been the case for me recently.
I thought I had my life more figured out than this, I thought I could be happy and live in the moment and not over think but..I can’t. I am happy, there is no doubt that when I smile and laugh most of them are genuine because I have amazing friends who do genuinely make me smile just by their voice or presence but, as much as I am happy I feel a settling numbness that sinks in me during these hours.
No, numbness is the wrong word to use, I still feel things deeply but it’s all subdued, like a pressure has settled itself over me and there’s no way out. I don’t know whether this is physical pressure or mental but..it’s there and I feel it. More often than I would like to admit. It’s the thing that stops me from smiling easily, from laughing, from doing anything because I just don’t have the motivation to. For anything.
Like the start of the blog said though, it is something that can bring me great serenity or deep contemplation, sometimes a mixture of both. It’s freeing how something so..dark, so powerful can have so many ways of being seen that it can even bring light and hope and some good to the world and to people.
I guess this blog was for me to ramble, a way that, by the end of it, showed that even the darkest thing can still be a sense of hope for people and for myself.